Cast Aways
by Ron Weasley's Cutie
Summary: Just something my strange little mind came up with after a bout of writer's block. Enjoy! ...Or not, whichever.


Cast Aways

**Disclaimer:** Though I really want to own Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Draco (especially Ron *cough*) I don't. J.K. Rowling does. Ah, the bittersweet taste of reality… I also do not own Tom Hanks (and I don't really want to either). He owns himself. I only own myself, the vicious man eating Amazonian women, the Incredibly Horrible No Cure For Wizard Flu, and Captain Billy-Bob and his stuffed parrot. *sigh* Oh yes, and I also don't own the little Matrix thingy in there.

"And the winners are…" Professor McGonagall announced in the Great Hall over a megaphone. "Harry Potter, for being the hero of the this story, et cetera, et cetera." A round of applause sounded. "Ron Weasley, for beating everyone at chess, the cheeky little bugger." Another hearty round of applause came. "Hermione Granger, for being…smart." Applause rang out yet again. "And Draco Malfoy because…he's…rich?" A few scattered claps echoed through the hall.

"Very well then, all of the winners please report to the Entrance Hall at exactly ten o'clock tonight with your bags packed and your farewells finished. Thank you."

What had our favorite characters won? Well, I'll tell you, since you're so nosy and you can't wait to find out… They had won a full cruise on a Carnival ocean-liner! Why did they win it? Well, I had to make some sort of plot, didn't I? So, they're going to travel all the way to the Bahamas and back in at least a month. Back-up info, you know.

Ron packed his bags in less then five minutes and lay down on his bed with a relaxed look on his face.

"Ah…." he said lazily. "No school for a month…I think I'm in heaven…"

"'Least we aren't in Hell!" Harry said cheerfully.

Ron gave Harry a confused look. "What?"

Harry shrugged. "Well, it would be really bad if we were in hell, wouldn't it? I mean, all those great big…fiery…pits…" Harry began to cry.

Ron, always wanting to be in on the newest fad, started crying as well.

"Think Hermione's done packing yet?" Harry asked quickly, drying his tears.

"Maybe…I'll go wait for her…you finish packing…after that we can brag to everyone who comes within a twenty foot radius of us!" Ron said happily, blowing his nose in his hanky.

Hermione came down ten minutes later and Harry came down five minutes after her. Then they bragged to anyone that came near them. Ron, however, bragged the most.

At ten o'clock they all filed into the Entrance Hall to find Malfoy and Professor McGonagall waiting for them.

"All ready to go? Potter? Weasley? Granger? Malfoy?" she asked impatiently. They all nodded their heads. "Very good. Now follow me."

They followed her out to a large white van. She beckoned at the doors.

"Get in," she ordered.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione climbed and tried to make themselves comfortable, whilst glaring menacingly at Malfoy.

"Buckle your seatbelts!" Professor McGonagall yelled back at them. Then she revved up the car.      

Suddenly, they all were thrown back against their seats and then thrust sideways, then forward, then back again, then sideways again. 

Malfoy started crying and Ron turned green.    

"I…think…I'm…gonna…hurl…" Ron gasped, leaning (or doing his best to) over a cupholder.

"I'm…gonna…die! Harry Potter's…going…to…die! AUTHOR! DO…SOMETHING! Harry yelled.

"Mommy! Mommy! Make it stop, mommy! Make the mean lady stop!" Draco cried as his head was slammed multiple times on the car window.

"Actually," said Hermione, in an airy tone, "it's quite pleasant, seeing as how Professor McGonagall never got her driving license." 

"Never bother with those dratted Muggle thingamajiggers," Professor McGonagall muttered.

After that…er…car ride, everyone except Hermione and the professor got out of the van looking very green.

"Well, there she is." Professor McGonagall said blankly.

Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Draco looked up at a huge white ocean-liner, it's hull gleaming in the sunlight.

"Wow. That's…big," Harry said lamely.

Professor McGonagall looked up at the ocean-liner that they were all looking at.

"Oh no, not that one!" she chuckled. "That one over there!" She pointed at a small, dingy old boat that looked as though it had once been painted white, but was now a moldy yellow color, and on the side of it was stamped in peeling letters, 'Carnival Ocean-Liner : Bahamas'.

"We're going…in that?" Hermione asked disgustedly.

"Why yes, Miss Granger, you are. Now skidaddle your little bums on up there! I'm sure the captain wants to meet you!" Professor McGonagall said cheerfully. "I hope you all have a safe and pleasant journey!" she said as she got into the van and…eh…drove off.

Malfoy had stopped crying and was looking at the dust trail that Professor McGonagall had left in the air. "With Potty, the Weasel and a mudblood here? I think not! I'm too rich to consort with such commoners!" he snorted.

"Oh, shut your mouth, ferret-face," said an irritated Hermione. Hermione turned around to look at the ship again and Malfoy made a face at her.

"Suppose we should meet the captain?" Harry asked.

"Why not?" Ron shrugged. So they all dragged their trunks and bags to the little 'cruise ship', if you could call it that.

The captain was a grumpy old Scottish man by the name of 'Billy-Bob'. He wore a kilt, carried a bagpipe, and had the trademark peg leg and eye patch. Harry also noticed that he had a raggedy looking stuffed parrot on his shoulder, with a black button hanging out of one of the parrot's eye sockets.

"Aye, we have thirty more minutes till we push off, so would ye like me to go and get yeh something to eat? It's gonna be a _long trip! Arr me mateys!" Captain Billy-Bob said gruffly, scratching his ginger beard and causing a shower of dead bugs to fall to the floor._

"No thanks…" they all muttered in unison.

"Then ye better make yerselves comfortable in that there cabin while I blow some tunes on me bagpipe!" the captain raised the bagpipe to his lips and began to blow an awful tune. Harry thought it sounded an awful lot like Dudley when he tried to run.

There were only two cabins: one for the captain, and one for everybody else. Their cabin had two bunkbeds, and it was _very, very small. As in, well, small. Mickey Mouse, shall we say, couldn't have lived in that cabin and have been comfortable. Of course, the captain's room had a giant king size bed and a Jacuzzi in it, not to mention one of those extremely expensive flat screen TVs and a couch that looked like the Brady Bunch could all sit comfortably on (and that's saying something!) _

Ron got down on his knees and looked up at the sky with his arms raised. "Why God? Why? Why does my poorness precede me? Why, why, why?! WHY?!?"

Hermione whispered something in Harry's ear. "He's losing it…"

Draco, on the other hand, was losing his lunch over the side of the boat.

1 Day Later……………………………………………(yes, lots of dots)………………….

The captain was getting on everybody's nerves, and they had a strange suspicion that he had stolen Harry's wand. Because, you see, Harry couldn't find his wand. And if he didn't find it soon, he would be in some deep boowhackie.

"Dude, where's my wand?" Harry asked Ron.

Ron shrugged. Harry then asked the Hawaiian Hula girl who happened to be coming with them, "Have you seen my wand?" She giggled and…looked down…at something…

"Oh, forget you, dude, you don't know where it is!" Harry said angrily.

The Next Day………….(sing the dot song with me now!)………………………….……..

The captain had gotten mad at Ron for throwing his bagpipe into the ocean. Captain Billy-Bob had sentenced Ron to walk the plank and jump in, for a Vicious Man Eating Amazonian Women inhabited the sea (it was a very old tale that Scottish pirates had passed down for years).

Ron had pleaded, "But it was for the best! That stupid old thing sounded like Dudley farting! Smelled like it, too!" Ron suddenly remembered that the bagpipe was very heavy and big…and made…funny noises…

"Arr, yeh'll walk the plank and like it, sonny! They say that in that there water a Vicious Man Eating Amazonian Women sends Vicious Visitor-Eating Piranhas at the vicious rule breakin' people who fall in," Billy-Bob said in a very quiet and mysterious tone. Ron gulped. But Hermione reassured him.  

"Don't worry Ron! You are the One! I know you are! Professor Trelawney told me!" she said.

Harry nodded, and added in a very serious tone, "Yes, but no one can exactly be told what a Vicious Man Eating Amazonian Women is. They have to see it for themselves."

"Buckle your seatbelt Dorothy, 'cause Kansas is going bye-bye," Draco said nastily, wanting to be in on the action.

Ron walked towards the edge of the plank and closed his eyes, preparing to jump in. But before he could, a group of impatient piranhas jumped up and tried to bite him, but he dodged them as if he was one of those agent-people-things. However, one of them bit him on the shoulder and dragged him into the ocean.

"Help me!" Ron yelled. Hermione and Harry (he found his wand, it was…well…he found it, anyway) pulled out their wands and yelled, "Stupify! Stupify! Stupify! Stupify!" at the piranhas, being the selfless heroes that they are. All of the piranhas froze and Ron saw his chance to get back on the ship. He grabbed the plank!….but it broke off, being as cheap as everything else on the boat, and it pulled Harry, Draco, and Hermione along with it, so they were all in the ocean. Draco was furious.

"How did I get down here? I was all the way at the other side of the boat!" Draco pouted. Hermione pointed at a magnet on the underside of the plank.

"See? It says 'Magic Magnet'! That means that any magic is attracted to it!" she said in a why-didn't-you-know-that voice. Draco folded his arms and began to suck his thumb.

Captain Billy-Bob laughed heartily at them and  then sailed off into the deep blue, right before a giant squid reached out his tentacle and pulled the ship in for a quick snack. Ron stared at it for long time.

"I wasn't expecting that, were you?" he asked. Everybody shook their heads.

"Damn plot twists," Draco said, pulling his thumb out of his mouth to make his opinion heard. Harry pointed at a chain of islands in the distance.

"Should we look for an island to live on till somebody comes and rescues us?" he asked. Everybody agreed, for he was Harry Potter, and they all grabbed hold of the plank and began to kick so that they moved forward.

When they got close enough to see the islands clearly, they noticed that large neon signs were over top of them, and most of signs said 'NO VACANCY' on them. On the first one they reached, one of the one's that's sign said 'NO VACANCY', they saw Tom Hanks running around in torn boxer-looking things and a burning palm leaf in his hand yelling, "I made fire! I made fire! I made fire! WA-HOO!"

Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Draco all looked at each other and shrugged. "Must be a castaway thing…" Harry said.

After searching for quite some time, they found an island that's sign said 'VACANCY'. Hermione thought that it looked suspiciously like the Bahamas, but Draco assured her that it wasn't.

"The Bahamas is a desert island, I should know, I've been there," he said proudly. Harry, Hermione, and Ron gave him a strange look, but shrugged it off scrambled onto the island. Suddenly, Hermione sneezed, and red and purple sparks flew out of her nose. Ron gasped.

"Hermione! You have the Incredibly Horrible No Cure For Wizard Flu!" he said, a bit over-dramatically.

"What?" Hermione sneezed again.

"It's the wizard form of the muggle flu! When you sneeze, magic comes out!"

"Oh," Hermione sniffed. Harry, who had been sitting underneath a palm tree thinking, suddenly jumped up and said, "I know who's behind this!"

Ron, Hermione, and Draco looked at him curiously.

"What?" Draco asked.

Harry looked up at the sky furiously. "_HER_._ She_ made this happen to us. She's probably up there just typing away on her computer, making us all look like idiots. She probably made our wands faulty!" Harry pulled out his wand and tried to do a spell. "Yep, they are. We might as well get ready for torture. _She's_ probably going to put her nutcase friends in here somewhere…"

Ron looked like he was fighting to not say something. After a few minutes he gave way and said, "Should we go explore the island a little bit?"

They all fought desperately to not nod in reply, but they did anyway, and headed off, with Hermione sneezing sparks out everywhere.

At the heart of the island they came across four old and crumbling statues. The first one was a person meditating while sitting on top of Mashed Potatoes. The writing on the bottom of the statue read "The God of Mashed Potatoes, Lizzard". The second statue was of a person with headphones on and Weird Al CDs on his lap as he meditated. The writing below it said "The God of the Fans of Weird Al, Kenneth". The third statue was blue and on it was a meditating person wearing a white cap. Below that it said "The God of Smurfs, Todd". The fourth statue was one of a person who was saying, "A-hee, a-hee, a-hee hee hee!" Below that it read, "The God of Who-Knows-What, Blake".

Harry looked triumphant and said, "Told ya so! I told you _she_ would put her crazy friends in it! I told you!" And then, in light of these sudden and surprising plot twists, Lord Voldemort appeared.

Voldemort looked at Harry and cackled, "I have you now my pretty! And your little friends, too!"

Draco smiled and walked over to Voldemort and, giving him a seductive smile, said, "Hey there, Dark Lord of my bowels, my ickle Voldie-poo." 

Voldemort slapped him across the face. "Not _now_, Draco dearest! You'll blow my cover!"

Voldemort turned back to Harry, Ron, and Hermione. But this time, he looked like he was fighting something. "No…" he gasped. "What is happening to me?…" he said in horror. Then he started to sing, "I wuv you! You wuv me! We're a happy famawy! With a great big hug and a kiss from you to me, we're a happy famawy! ARRRRRRRGH!!!" Voldemort ran away, looking very disgusted with himself. They all looked stunned.

"I'm sorry, but were you guys talking about vitamins?" Ron asked, turning back to the rest of them.

They all walked back to the beach and laid down in exhaustion. Hermione was now very sick, and she couldn't talk. So, you can imagine how everybody else thought she was crazy when she started to point at something rather excitedly.

"What is it, Hermione?" Ron asked, picking up a nearby stick. "You wanna play fetch?" Hermione rolled her eyes and started to point at the thing more…um…she just pointed at it more… Ron looked up at what she was pointed at and saw a huge, purple casino hotel with flashing neon lights.

"Oh…that…hey! Harry!" Ron said with a smile. Harry looked up from what he was doing (trying to make sand edible, believe it or not).

"What?" Harry spotted the hotel. "Oh! Okay! We can stay there!"

"Thank you, Captain Obvious," Draco snarled as he came over and gazed at the hotel.

A flashing sign above it's purple condos proclaimed, "The Bahamas Hotel".

"Bahamas a desert island my bum," Ron snorted. Draco gave him a curious.

"The Bahamas are on your bum? Are you _sure_? Oh, my! May the Gods of mashed potatoes, Weird Al fans, smurfs, and who-knows-what protect us!"      

"What?"

Draco just smiled and said, "The author made me do it."

"The author is going to make you clean her butt with a paper towel if you don't shut up. So now let's just go over to that hotel and wait for Professor McGonagall to come get us."

Hermione smiled in satisfaction, before sneezing violently and causing a palm tree next to her to burst into flames.

So they all returned to Hogwarts a month later, with less money, less tolerance for each other, and a lot less intelligence. Captain Billy-Bob was found playing his bagpipe in the stomach of a giant squid. His stuffed parrot, however, went on to write books about that strange adventure and he, naturally, now runs a bar in Florida. Lord Voldemort is currently working on the Barney Show and isn't very happy about it. Professor McGonagall did get her driver's license, but it was taken away from her one night when she decided to 'let her hair down'. Fortunately, here were only minor injuries to the few people who were driving at that time (one in the morning). The Vicious Man Eating Amazonian Women created a movie about his life under the sea, and it's called, "The Little Mermaid Whom I Ate".                                                                                         

THE GLORIOUS, GLORIOUS END 

Thank you, thank you, I love you all, please review, et cetera, et cetera…

toodles,

Ron Weasley's Cutie


End file.
